An Arab entered a taxi in London.
Once he was seated, he asked the cab driver to turn off the radio because he was not permitted to hear music other than that decreed by his religion. "In the time of the Prophet, there was no radio and certainly no music" he explained, "especially Western music, which is the music of infidels."
The cab driver politely switched off the radio, stopped the cab and opened the back door.
The Arab asked him: "What are you doing, man?"
The cabby answered: "In the time of the Prophet there were no taxis. Get out and wait for a camel."
Bwahaha, two can play at that game.
A rubbish collector is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and
emptying them into his compactor.
He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit
of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin,
he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks.. There's no
answer.
Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.
Eventually a Japanese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Japanese man..
"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.
"I bin on toiret," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed.
Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries
again.
"No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"
"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed.
"Listen," says the collector. "you're misunderstanding me. I mean, where's your wheelie bin?'"
"OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in
the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"
While strolling out in the veldt this morning, I noticed Julius Malema slip
from the bank of a dam and fall into the water. He obviously couldn't swim
and was struggling to stay afloat. If he didn't get help he'd surely drown.
Being a responsible SA citizen, and abiding by the law of the land that
requires you to help those in distress, I informed SA Police Services and
the Home Office.
It is now 2 p.m. He has drowned, and neither authority has yet responded.
I'm starting to think I wasted two stamps.
Never fool around with a little old lady!
A little old lady went to the grocery store and put the most expensive cat food in her basket. She then went to the check out counter where she told the check out girl. "Nothing but the best for my little kitten. "
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the management wants proof that you are buying the cat food for your cat."
The little old lady went home, picked up her cat and brought it back to the store.
They sold her the cat food. The next day, the old lady went to the store and bought 12 of the most expensive dog cookies - one for each day of Christmas. The cashier this time demanded proof that she now had a dog, claiming that old people sometimes eat dog food. Frustrated she went home, came back and brought in her dog.
She was then given the dog cookies. The next day she brought in a box with a hole in the lid. The little old lady asked the cashier to stick her finger in the hole. The cashier said, "No, you might have a snake in there." The little old lady assured her that there was nothing in the box that would bite her. So the cashier put her finger into the box and pulled it out and told the little old lady, "That smells like crap."
The little old lady grinned from ear to ear, "Now, my dear, can I please buy three rolls of toilet paper?"
Never fool around with a Little old lady!
Good stuff. Here's a short one.
What does the cannibal get when he comes home late?
The cold shoulder!!! :D
SUPERSEX
A little old lady who had lost her marbles was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex."
She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair, flipping her gown at him, she said, "Supersex."
He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, "I'll take the soup."
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ROMANCE
An older couple were lying in bed one night. The husband was falling asleep but the wife was in a romantic mood and wanted to talk.
She said: "You used to hold my hand when we were courting.."
Wearily he reached across, held her hand for a second and tried to get back to sleep.
A few moments later she said: "Then you used to kiss me.."
Mildly irritated, he reached across, gave her a peck on the cheek and settled down to sleep.
Thirty seconds later she said: "Then you used to bite my neck..."
Angrily, he threw back the bed clothes and got out of bed.
"Where are you going?" she asked..
"To get my teeth!"
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DOWN AT THE RETIREMENT CENTRE
80-year old Bessie bursts into the recreation room at the retirement home. She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces,"Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!!"
An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"
Bessie thinks a minute and says, "Close enough."
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OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, "Now don't get mad at me... I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your name.. I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is."
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to Know?"
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SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior citizen was driving down the motorway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, " Albert , I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the A1. Please be careful!"
"Hell," said Albert , "It's not just one car.. It's hundreds of them!"
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DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to major crossroad. The stop light was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light." After a few more minutes, they came to another major junction and the light was red again. Again, they went right through. The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous.
At the next junction, sure enough, the light was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh ! Am I driving?"
Gotta love the older generation.
The Retirement Dinner - Kind of Figures
A priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in
the Parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation
was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at
the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his
own few words while they waited.
"I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I
heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The
very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a
television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie
his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled
from his employer, had an affair with his boss's wife, taken illegal
drugs and gave an STD to his sister. I was appalled.But, as the days
went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had,
indeed come to a fine parish full of good and loving people ....."
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of
apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the
presentation and gave his talk:
"I'll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived," said the
politician, "in fact, I had the honour of being the first person to
go to him for confession."
Moral: Never, never, never be late